On Being a Total Fireball

If it is one thing that’s so true of me, I’m a fireball. I have the temper of Satan incarnate. It takes me awhile to get to that point, but when I blow, run for fucking cover. That’s how I’ve always been, and as I now know, how I always will be.

For those curious, here is my True Sidereal Astrology (TSA) birth chart. Pay close attention to my 12th house (about the 9:30 position) to see what’s in there, and also follow the red dotted line to the other symbol it’s paired with:

mynatal

See that? The red male symbol is Mars, follow that along the red dotted line with the square (indicating a “square” aspect – a pi/2 [that’s 90 degrees for you non-mathy types] angle +/- a few) to the green female symbol, representing Venus.

Yep, that’s a total double whammy there. My fireball tendencies? There you have it. Mars in 12th by itself is a dangerous placement, and totally explains why I have the tendency toward intense, and often violent, anger. It can often happen abrputly and without warning, and depending on what else has been going on at that point in time, it can take very little to set me off. When I learned about that placement, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, made sense. How I have never been arrested in my life I have no fucking clue. Truth be told I probably should have been a time or two in my life.

It made even more sense when paired not only with the constellation placement (Aries) but also when squared with Venus. When I do blow up? It’s usually at those who mean the most to me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve blown up at close friends, parents, siblings. It also explains why what few of my romantic relationships I’ve had have been highly volatile and never lasted more than a few months.

If it *IS* one thing I can honestly say it’s I’ve never hit anyone or used a weapon against anyone in a fit of rage, even as violent as it gets. I sure have a lot of destroyed personal possessions and property in my wake though! I’ve punched holes through walls, broken various objects, even ones one wouldn’t think would be breakable. I will also say I’ve used pictures of exes for target practice, but who hasn’t?

Anyway, when you combine the astrological aspects with being on the autism spectrum, you can only imagine it’s led to some pretty epic meltdowns over the years. Yeah, I was dealt a bad hand for sure.

Luckily, all is not lost. It’s not like I’m predestined to become a serial killer or some shit like that. It’s one thing I’ll have to learn how to channel and harness, and one thing I knew for sure before I learned about this is that boredom is not my friend. I had always known that, but all this just confirms it. I need to be entertained and active, even as introverted as I am.

This is another thing that solidifies my decision to move. Abilene only has limited opportunities for me to “get out of my head” and do shit. A bigger city such as San Antonio is much more conducive to that, and though Dallas was a bigger city I still felt isolated and idle. That place was not a good fit for me. San Antonio is a better fit, especially when I’ve got my spiritual guide beside me to keep me on the straight and narrow and help me avoid these pitfalls.

So there’s that. If you’re just a casual acquaintance I woudln’t blame you if you ran for cover. If you’re a closer personal friend I only hope I’ve not left some of your shrapnel in my wake. If I have, I’m sorry. Really. I know I’ve not always been a very pleasant person to deal with. Please know if I ever do rip into you, it’s nothing personal. That doesn’t make it right but damn it’s hard sometimes.

Trust me, I wish I didn’t have this placement. If I could choose any other placement I would. My life would be so much easier, as well as the lives of those around me. Alas, we don’t get to choose our placements so I’m stuck. I guess I’ll just deal as best I can.

Foxtrot Mike Lima.

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5 thoughts on “On Being a Total Fireball

  1. Looks like you need a heavy bagπŸ˜‰
    My temper is slow to ignite but goes ballistic when it blows. I’ve been know to beat the crap out of a dumpster with a baseball bat at times. I stopped punching walls cuz I kept busting my hand.
    Yep, heavy bag. Beat the crap out of it with no apologies necessary later. Heck, you can even tape a picture to itπŸ‘πŸ˜‚πŸ’ŒπŸ’ŒπŸ’Œ

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And y’all already know how I got my first smartphone, right? I chunked my flip-phone at my partner (meant to miss him and hit the desk beside him, which I did lol) and it busted into pieces lol

    I honestly don’t have much of a temper but when it blows, it blows lol. It’s pretty volcanic when it does, and by then it’s been a long time coming lol. A *very* long time. Pushed to the limit, with plenty of attempts and very obvious clues given beforehand.

    Like

  3. Some people are simply more passionate beings than others. That probably feels like more of a curse than a blessing, but it also sounds like you know being active and engaged are the keys to a more calm, balanced place. Even introverts can go hopping mad if they are finding themselves frequently bored. I personally know this to be true. Hoping you find that peace and clarity soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I don’t know a thing about the astrological chart, even less about the maths, but I COMPLETELY understand the hair-trigger anger. A few weeks back I had a hell of a day, culminating in a doing-75-in-a-50 speeding ticket, all because Popeyes ran out of chicken. Bastards!

    Sigh.

    I’ve a couple other things in common with you. I was recently diagnosed ASD (almost exactly a year ago). I also live in Tejas (Houston). So, nice to stumble across your blog.

    Liked by 2 people

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