I’ve talked some about my sexuality (or, since I’m asexual, maybe more accurately lack thereof) on this blog but I don’t think I’ve ever addressed a problem I see a lot directed toward me (particularly from cishet, white, conservative men) – “virgin shaming.”
I should preface this post by saying I am in no way downplaying the problem of so-called “slut shaming” – I absolutely hate that term by the way. As far as I’m concerned, one’s sexual practices (including random “promiscuous” sex) do not devalue a person in any way, shape or form. So long as all parties are consenting adults, I couldn’t care less. You are no less of a person if you sleep around than you are if you’re donning a purity ring and a chastity belt.
Alas, that does bring me to the topic I’m addressing today – something I’m dubbing “virgin shaming.” I’m sure everyone who abstains from sex is subject to this at some point, but it seems to me this is one type of sexual shaming that men are subject to a lot more often than women, and for a very obvious reason. Virgin shaming is yet another byproduct of patriarchy and toxic masculinity.
If I had a nickel for every time some random joe-blow trailer trash inbred redneck Bible-thumping hillbilly told me I needed to “get laid” I’d be a millionaire. This often times comes up in my debates regarding antinatalism and existential nihilism. These “men” (if you could even call them that) all say one reason I’m miserable is my lack of sexual activity.
I’ll be quite frank here: the concept of sexual activity (in ANY form) absolutely grosses me out. Like the idea is repulsive to me. Just thinking about it is making me sick to my stomach. That doesn’t mean I can’t have romantic relationships with others (being biromantic I can go either way), but I will say it does complicate things quite a bit. I know not all asexuals are totally abstinate and some are able to “put out” for their partners on occasion but I’m just not that type. Actually, a lot of people I’ve talked to on the autism spectrum think/feel very similar to the way I do. Maybe it comes with the territory.
Does that mean I, and other asexuals, should be shamed for that? Absolutely NOT. I don’t see what business it is of these assholes what mine or anyone else’s sexual practices are. Alas, I do notice that trend I mentioned earlier – women tend to be a lot more accepting of it and even respect it, maybe in large part due to the prevalence of male-on-female rape/sexual assault (seriously guys, shape the hell up and quit excusing that bullshit). Some men are even OK with it, but again, it seems like it’s largely an issue that the demographic mentioned up top seems to hurl.
I will openly admit asexuality is probably the least understood sexual orientation of them all (by anyone, psychologists or laypeople). That doesn’t excuse ignorance. Educate yourselves, and for fuck’s sake (no pun intended) quit telling people they need to get laid if/when they very clearly do not want to. It’s insulting.
The moral of the story: let people live their lives and don’t give unsolicited “advice” about what they’re doing wrong. Who the fuck are you to give bullshit “advice” like that. If I wanted your so-called worthless bullshit “advice” I’d ask for it. Since I didn’t ask for it, I don’t want it. Now STFU.