Hah, see what I did there? It’s almost like a program in my internal operating system that upgrades itself and boots up mid-November. Well it’s now started rearing its ugly head.
I’ll be the first to admit it: I absolutely hate the holidays. They suck something fierce for me. I realize the holidays are supposed to be a happy time, but not here. As the “reject child” as it were I am usually the one pushed to the side in my family. I’m worse than the redheaded stepchild. I’m the autistic, weirdo, unmarried/single, childless, atheist, tatted, pierced, Davy Dukes and Meggings wearing, Trump-hating black sheep. Not so much in terms of my immediate family (who all tolerate me pretty well), but more my extended family. Me being as I am in an extended family that is by and large a conservative/far-right, Bible-thumping Southern Baptist family is not exactly conducive to holiday gatherings. The last one I went to several years ago I was rudely asked to say grace with them knowing full well I don’t believe in Bible bullshit. That was kind of the last straw with me.
As such, I usually just keep to myself during the holidays. I do my own thing. Hell, it’s obvious even what few friends I have (with the exception of one who did take time out of her day yesterday to join me for a cigar and spiked coffee yesterday afternoon) don’t want to be around me right now. I know I get insufferably crabby during this time and I understand it’s not pleasant to be around someone who is chronically crabby but maybe I wouldn’t be so crabby if I had some kind of a support net. I just feel like I’m being brushed off as it were. I also know that my friends have families to tend to during the holidays and I respect that, but it remains that being hung out to dry is miserable.
I’ll get through it. I always do, but it’s never easy. I realize 2019 is only about seven weeks away, but this next month and a half is going to be rough. Obviously as a hardcore atheist and self-professed antitheist none of the religious holidays mean anything to me (be it Christmyass, Hanukkrap, etc.) and even as an existential nihilist and a Benatarian Antinatalist it seems to me that would run counter to the notion of Thanksgiving. If, in my view, it is a harm to come into existence, why should I actually be thankful for anything? I’m stuck in an existence that is, from my perspective, a harm to me. As such, are even the things that make my life go better than it otherwise would deserving of thanks? That’s up to debate I think.
Whatever. I’m rambling and ranting. All I know is I feel like shit and will for the next several weeks. I’ll try to continue blogging as I can, but just know this isn’t something to just “snap out of.” At least I have this as an outlet to release my frustration.
Fuck the holidays.