So it’s been a rough week. Corporate employees visiting, got a stomach bug, you name it.

So I drop into my hangout just by the office tonight totally forgetting it was open mic. Well I was just about to pay out and skedaddle but the host insisted I stay and play, kindly offering to let me borrow his guitar.

If I’m good enough for him to let me borrow his guitar, I’m good enough for this.

Let’s rock and roll.

Song Lyric Sunday 7/15/18 – Jesus, The Missing Years

So Song Lyric Sunday is once again upon us and our theme this week is “break.” Well, there are the predictable songs so I’m going with something totally off-the-wall to hopefully mix it up a bit.

Whether you believe in the existence of God or not, or whether or not you believe Jesus of Nazareth was divine, merely a great teacher or didn’t exist at all (as a hardcore atheist myself I’m definitely in the last camp), isn’t it a little weird how there seems to be a large break in his story? He goes from a young child to 30-ish years old in just a few pages. I’ve always found that rather strange why there seems to be a break in there somewhere. What the hell was he up to in his nearly two decade break?

Well, John Prine tells us exactly what he was up to and it’s not what anyone would have ever thought! With that, I present you the song “Jesus, The Missing Years” (written by himself):

Jesus… the missing years

It was raining. It was cold
West Bethlehem was no place for a twelve year old
So he packed his bags and he headed out
To find out what the world’s about
He went to France. He went to Spain
He found love. He found pain.
He found stores so he started to shop
But he had no money so he got in trouble with a cop
Kids in trouble with the cops
From Israel didn’t have no home
So he cut his hair and moved to Rome
It was there he met his Irish bride
And they rented a flat on the lower east side of Rome…
Italy that is
Music publishers, book binders, Bible belters, swimming pools
Orgies, and lots of pretty Italian chicks.

Charlie bought some popcorn
Billy bought a car
Someone almost bought the farm
But they didn’t go that far
Things shut down at midnight
At least around here they do
Cause we all reside down the block
Inside at….23 Skidoo.

Wine was flowing so were beers
So Jesus found his missing years
He went to a dance and said “This don’t move me”
He hiked up his pants and he went to a movie
On his thirteenth birthday he saw “Rebel without a Cause”
He went straight on home and invented Santa Claus
Who gave him a gift and he responded in kind
He gave the gift of love and went out of his mind
You see him and the wife wasn’t getting along
So he took out his guitar and he wrote a song
Called “The Dove of Love Fell Off the Perch”
But he couldn’t get divorced in the Catholic Church
At least not back then anyhow
Jesus was a good guy he didn’t need this shit
So he took a pill with A Coca-Cola and he swallowed it.
He discovered the Beatles
And he recorded with the Stones
Once He even opened up a three-way package
For old George Jones

Charlie bought the popcorn
Billy bought a car
Someone almost bought the farm
But they didn’t go that far
Things shut down at midnight
At least around here they do
Cause we all reside down the block
Inside at….23 Skidoo.

The years passed by like sweet little days
With babies crying pork chops and beaujolais
When he woke up he was seventeen
The world was angry. The world was mean.
Why the man down the street and the kid on the stoop
All agreed that life stank. All the world smelled like poop
Baby poop that is..the worst kind
So he grew his hair long and threw away his comb
And headed back to Jerusalem to find Mom and Dad and home
But when he got there the cupboard was bare
Except for an old black man with a fishing rod
He said “Whatcha gonna be when you grow up?”
Jesus said “God”
Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into?
I’m a human corkscrew and all my wine is blood
They’re gonna kill me Mama. They don’t like me Bud.
So Jesus went to Heaven and he went there awful quick
All them people killed him and he wasn’t even sick
So come and gather around me my contemporary peers
And I’ll tell you all the story of
Jesus…The Missing Years

Charlie bought some popcorn
Billy bought a car
Someone almost bought the farm
But they didn’t go that far
Things shut down at midnight
At least around here they do
Cause we all reside down the block
Inside at….23 Skidoo.

We all reside down the block
Inside at… 23 Skidoo.
Source: Transcribed by me as I couldn’t find any accurate lyrics.

Well hope you learned a little something (yeah, riiiiiiiiiiight!!!) and enjoyed this little song. Until next week!!!

The Boss Gets His First Tattoo…

My boss is actually a pretty cool guy. He’s definitely on the oldish-side (60+) but despite being a gruff crane operator turned branch manager, he’s actually laid back and funny, but I will say what dates him in this particular industry is his lack of body art – he’s an entirely blank canvas.

Well, he was until he came back from vacation. He spent last week in Minnesota with his daughters and I guess his daughters all have ink because they lured him into a tattoo parlor and I guess twisted his arm into getting a tattoo, because when he came back from vacation he had a small arrow tattoo on his forearm somewhat akin to this:

Needless to say I was rather shocked. He was talking about it and his experience in the parlor, and I could tell he had never before even gone into one before this all went down. “You can see the wires going into the machine” and apparently the artist had to explain to him that he was about to create an open wound. Oh boy, it’s always entertaining the older crowd trying to do the hip thing.

Anyway, I just found it interesting that after all this time he finally decided to take the plunge, but I also post this as a bit of encouragement to those older folks who might be considering a tattoo – you’re never too old to take the plunge. If it’s something you feel strongly about go for it. You’ll be glad you did, and it might just start your new obsession. 😉



In Between a Rock and a Hard Place…

I mentioned in yesterday’s post that my little business venture (not even considering what would be my ultra dream job because that’s not attainable at all) has probably been derailed permanently. I am in between a serious rock and a hard place and I just do not know what to do or how to proceed, because it’s a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation for sure.

So, with that, here’s the scoop: my sister’s second kid is due in October. That will put her having two kids by two different fathers. I’m not so judgmental of that situation in and of itself, after all my sister and I have different biological fathers and let’s face it – shit just happens. However, when you have mom, dad, sister, BIL + two little kids living in a 3 bedroom/2 bath house, well, you can see how that just doesn’t work. Also, I come and go quite frequently due to work (the crane business involves a lot of travel after all) but their house is also technically my permanent residence even though I’m only here less than a quarter of the time so you can see how this is a sticky situation for all parties involved.

With that, it’s clear we need a bigger place – a house big enough to fit all of us in comfortably. This means 5 bedrooms, 3 baths and a large common living area and kitchen. We just don’t have that here. Time to look for a new place, which is stressful in and of itself.

Well that’s stressful but manageable right? Well, here’s where the real stress comes in and what’s liable to totally derail my vision to own a cigar & liquor lounge permanently – I’m the only one in my family with good credit.

My poor dad was seriously injured on his job in 2005, my senior year of high school. He was an independent distributor for a local bakery and as such he had no insurance. He blew out his already bad knee which had to be completely reconstructed. No insurance + reconstructive surgery? Can you say massive medical bills? That combined with a lack of disability insurance put a major financial strain on them at the time that they just could not recover from.

My dad was out of work for well over a year, I was a broke undergrad and my sister was way too young to work. All that was a recipe for financial ruin, and that’s exactly what happened. Their previously unblemished credit went down the shitter in short order. They got behind on everything through no fault of their own and have never been able to recover.

Now, my sister I’m a little less sympathetic to her situation. She went out-of-state to college, goofed off instead of went to class, failed out, defaulted on a student loan and racked up several medical bills from her first pregnancy. As such, her credit is about as rock-bottom as it gets when it comes to American credit rating formulae. As far as brother-in-law? Hah. He’s got credit card fraud on his record. His credit sucks even worse!

So where does that leave us? My parents’ credit is fucked, sister’s and B-I-L’s credits are both super-mega-assfucked, but despite having a medical issue 9 years ago that bankrupted me also, I have managed to clean my credit up and although my credit isn’t completely perfect, I can get approved for just about anything. As such, guess who would have to be the primary borrower for a new place? You guessed it: ME.

Now, as my younger sister and B-I-L are in their respective situations due to their own doing, if it was just them in the picture I’d tell them to sort out their own problems. However, with one kid already here and another on the way, that is so much harder of a thing to contemplate. I’m less worried about their well-being (I couldn’t care less honestly, they’re both fuck-ups) as I am the well-being of my 3-year-old nephew and soon to be newborn niece. Of course, my poor parents I’m super sympathetic to for putting up with their shit for this long and I gotta give them credit for doing it. I wouldn’t have had the patience myself!

So having, for all intents and purposes, dependents puts me in such a bad spot. What the hell do I do? If I do the bleeding-heart liberal thing and agree to take on what would be a total mortgage, well I would never make enough money owning a cigar and liquor lounge to pay that mortgage plus all my other living expenses. In essence, I’d be signing myself away to indentured corporate servitude for the rest of my life. Leaf & Barrel Cigars & Whiskey? Fuh-fucking-geddaboutit.

Now, option B would be to be a selfish prick and pursue my own interests at the expense of the two kids especially. See, shit like this is why I don’t want kids of my own, but it’s like I’m being thrust into much of the stress and sticky situation of having to be a parent (in an indirect way). Alas, if I take option B I fear for the kids’ future especially, as well as keeping all kinds of stress on my parents.

Man does this situation suck the big one. I truly do not know what I should do. With option A I’m sacrificing my own goals and dare I say my own mental health and would no doubt drive me into a deep depression long-term and possibly/probably even suicide (due to being stuck in jobs I hate, but pay well, forevermore), with option B I’m potentially harming my nephew and soon-to-be niece. This situation really, really fucking sucks all the way around.

So dear readers, I open up the question to you: If you were in my shoes, what would you do? I hope some of you chime in and maybe even send me private messages because I really want someone I can talk through this with. It’s a major decision that is going to have major ramifications one way or another. Like I feel myself getting sick just thinking about the gravity of this decision. I’ve been faced with difficult decisions in the past, but they all pale in comparison to this one.

Please share your thoughts.

My “True” Dream Job

If it is one thing I do bitch about a lot it’s my job. Not going to lie, it’s a bit of a drag. My current company is leaps and bounds better than my previous one for sure, but after the novelty wore off I’m left feeling less than satisfied again. It’s a pervasive pattern and one I’m likely doomed to forever given a new life development that will in all likelihood doom me to corporate servitude forever (more on that later). Alas, give me this one post to really dream.

As much as I wonder about airline life and had it worked out the way I’d have planned, the more I realize I probably would have been in the same spot I am now. It would have gotten old after awhile. Not to mention how regimental it is. My “dream job” likely would not have been so dreamy after all.

So I just put that in quotes because I often say it would have been my dream job but not exactly. My true dream job would be almost impossible to get into, at least in this day and age. Had I been born a couple of decades earlier maybe not so much.

I am often asked if I could have any job in the world what would it be. I have no hesitation about this one: I would be a game show host. What’s not to love about that? You work 1-2 days per week (long hours mind you; most game shows tape a week’s worth of shows in one sitting – Jeopardy! tapes 5 games in one day, for example) and get paid some serious cash. Oh, and you get to make fun of idiots on national television. What’s not to love?

I think back to my childhood and remember some of the people I looked up to – Wink Martindale, Bill Cullen, Bob Barker, Peter Tomarken, Alex Trebek. I always thought of how cool it would be to be them.

As far as game shows I’d have loved to have hosted? Press Your Luck would have been killer. I’d have also loved to have hosted Supermarket Sweep, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble and the like. I don’t think I’d have liked to hosted one show forever but rather a variety of shorter lived ones. Again, Martindale comes to mind for the person whose hosting career I would have idealized for myself.

I’ve loved game shows since I was a kid. I’m very much a game show buff. They’re still one of my main areas of interest. Odd? Maybe so, but so am I.

Alas, I’m but a mere mortal so I’m stuck in mundane jobs and will be until I die. What’s so fucking great about existence again? I wish I knew because I just don’t.

If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?

Song Lyric Sunday 7/8/18 – I Believe

Wow, this week has just flown by. It’s been a crazy one for sure, and it’s Song Lyric Sunday again. Our theme for this week is “think” and I have a song that is sure to make you think.

Thinking and believing are similar right? Well, I think they are, and that’s what has led me to this week’s selection. Even so, the lyrics to this song are sure to make one think some deep contemplation so it fits.

So this week I give you the song “I Believe” – a 1985 song from the album Songs From The Big Chair by a certain duo from Bath, England that needs no introduction on this blog whatsoever (written by Roland Orzabal):

I believe that when the hurting and the pain has gone
We will be strong, oh yes we will be strong
And I believe that if I’m crying while I write these words
Is it absurd or am I being real?

I believe that if you knew just what these tears were for
They would just pour like every drop of rain
That’s why I believe it is too late for anyone to believe

I believe that if you thought for a moment, took your time
You would not resign yourself, resign yourself to your fate
And I believe that if it’s written in the stars, that’s fine
I can’t deny that I’m a Virgo too

I believe that if you’re bristling while you hear this song
I could be wrong or have I hit a nerve?
That’s why I believe it is too late for anyone to believe

I believe that maybe somewhere in the darkness
In the night time, in the storm, in the casino
Casino Spanish eyes

I believe, no I can’t believe
That every time you hear a newborn scream
You just can’t see the shaping of a life
The shaping of a life

Well I hope that made you think, you enjoyed and we’ll see you next week!

Do You Hear Me? Do You Care?

So I just surpassed 300 followers on The Inked Autist. Compared to a lot of the blogs I follow, dare I say that’s…infinitesimal? Oh well, what started off as a personal diary to catalog tattoo ideas turned into something much bigger than I ever anticipated. Yes, I realize a lot of those followers are bullshit spambots, but I think that’s the same situation for every blogger on this site (seriously WP, you gotta cut a lot of the crap!).

That said, I can’t help but wonder: my followers are at an all-time high but my readership has dropped dramatically in recent months. My stats (both views and comments) are WAY down. Are people just taking blogging breaks? Is this site dying out? Is WordPress going the way of Xanga back in the day (I reflect upon the rise and fall of Xanga, and I was a big-name blogger on Xanga too – I literally had thousands of followers there).

Am I doing something wrong to alienate my core base as well as new readers? If I’m doing something wrong I need to know so I can fix it. I’ve met so many awesome people through this medium and would like to continue doing so.

Have I offended any of you? If I have somehow offended any of you, I need to know. If you don’t want to air your grievances publicly, feel free to send me a private email (address on the side bar of this blog). I normally respond within a day maximum, usually within an hour or two.

I would appreciate any feedback, positive or negative, props or constructive criticism. If no one notices I think I’ll dye my hair blue. After all, what are words for when no one listens? It’s no use talking at all!