As I sit here at my desk on an uneventful Friday drafting my resignation letter (yes, it’s time – the company has crossed a line it can’t un-cross with me and I see no way forward; I’m at a point of either resigning or I’m going to flip out and be terminated) and pondering my next temporary career move (yes, only temporary – whatever job I take on until L&B is launched is only temporary anyway) it occurred to me a pervasive recurring pattern in my life and it’s really bothering me and has me scared in a way.
I’ve noticed that in my life, two years is when no matter what I get myself into comes to a close or winds up eventually failing. It’s like a ticking time bomb almost. I’ll have been with this company for almost exactly two years come my last official day of employment here. As far as my endeavors prior to that I spent two years in graduate school with the intention of pursing a PhD in applied mathematics, but due to whatever reason going into semester 4 of my graduate program things took a turn for the worst, my grades slipped and I wound up leaving with just a Master’s. Prior to grad school I was a high school teacher for, you guessed it, two years before I became a victim of a mass teacher layoff in the state of Texas (thousands of teachers were laid off around 2010).
Whatever the case, it really does bother me that I go in cycles like this. It makes me wonder if it’s purely external factors or is there something else at play internally like another as-of-yet uncovered mental health issue that runs comorbid with autism spectrum disorder? Further, what does this mean is in store for my future? Will the next job I have fail after two years? That wouldn’t be a big deal because you see, my medically-caused bankruptcy falls off my record in July 2019 and then all roads lead to me moving some place that fits my lifestyle and launching L&B. However, that leads to the next question: will history repeat itself yet again and lead to the failure of L&B after two years? Then what the fuck am I going to do?
Forgive me for being incredibly bleak and negative here, but I truly am worried. I can’t help but wonder if reincarnation is true and if so what the fuck did I do in a past life that I’m being punished so harshly for it in this one? It’s hard to keep a smile on your face and stay upbeat when shit like this happens again and again. I really don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve fallen into that void of silence where I cry without sound, where tears rolls down…