Friday Ponderings…

As I sit here at my desk on an uneventful Friday drafting my resignation letter (yes, it’s time – the company has crossed a line it can’t un-cross with me and I see no way forward; I’m at a point of either resigning or I’m going to flip out and be terminated) and pondering my next temporary career move (yes, only temporary – whatever job I take on until L&B is launched is only temporary anyway) it occurred to me a pervasive recurring pattern in my life and it’s really bothering me and has me scared in a way.

I’ve noticed that in my life, two years is when no matter what I get myself into comes to a close or winds up eventually failing. It’s like a ticking time bomb almost. I’ll have been with this company for almost exactly two years come my last official day of employment here. As far as my endeavors prior to that I spent two years in graduate school with the intention of pursing a PhD in applied mathematics, but due to whatever reason going into semester 4 of my graduate program things took a turn for the worst, my grades slipped and I wound up leaving with just a Master’s. Prior to grad school I was a high school teacher for, you guessed it, two years before I became a victim of a mass teacher layoff in the state of Texas (thousands of teachers were laid off around 2010).

Whatever the case, it really does bother me that I go in cycles like this. It makes me wonder if it’s purely external factors or is there something else at play internally like another as-of-yet uncovered mental health issue that runs comorbid with autism spectrum disorder? Further, what does this mean is in store for my future? Will the next job I have fail after two years? That wouldn’t be a big deal because you see, my medically-caused bankruptcy falls off my record in July 2019 and then all roads lead to me moving some place that fits my lifestyle and launching L&B. However, that leads to the next question: will history repeat itself yet again and lead to the failure of L&B after two years? Then what the fuck am I going to do?

Forgive me for being incredibly bleak and negative here, but I truly am worried. I can’t help but wonder if reincarnation is true and if so what the fuck did I do in a past life that I’m being punished so harshly for it in this one? It’s hard to keep a smile on your face and stay upbeat when shit like this happens again and again. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve fallen into that void of silence where I cry without sound, where tears rolls down…


6 thoughts on “Friday Ponderings…

  1. Sounds like Murphy’s Law followers your life like it does mine. I try to remind myself that things happen for a reason. Sounds cliché I know but looking back I can see how every fucked up thing in my life has made me a better person. Life is a journey of growth and gaining knowledge. Why it has to be so hard so often, I don’t know. Sending positive thoughts ☯☮✨

    (will be going by the tobacco shop soon. Didn’t forget)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah, very frustrating and jarring indeed. My girl let out her feelings about this as well, as she has a very similar pattern but on a time scale of about 3 months. She has had maybe half dozen jobs in the couple short years we’ve been together. She doesn’t think long about it before quitting, and has sometimes done so at disastrous times. Now, I think the sentiment for not liking your job is ubiquitous. The question is then, *what* don’t you like? What aspects of every job you’ve disliked push you out? Then figure out how to minimize those with job choices or simply being upfront about your qualms.
    I can’t say that I’m that much better. I decided that I like anything that could be referred to as a ‘project’ implying a definite completion in the foreseeable future. That way, if I’m feeling down about it, I get it done and walk away without drama. If I’m happy about it, I wrap up with photos and ask for references. Either way, it’s done and I’m on to the next project.
    I also don’t understand how anyone can stay at one place for decades, or push their career down a narrow, focused path their whole life. I like having a variety of skills. I like wearing different hats.
    My guess is that if you are mathematically inclined, business ownership isn’t a scary impossible feat. Best of luck! Whatever you have to do to meet ends for now is whatever. Doing something for you, out of your passion, is what promises to be fulfilling.

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  3. King Ben’s Grandma nailed pretty much everything I was thinking, too! She’s really spot-on, very wise 👍🏼. I’m like you, I’ve worked at very few places for as long as 2 years, and I’ve sometimes left jobs without having a new one waiting in the wings. You’ll make it. You’ll find your way, blaze your trail. Remember the Saturn return thing 😉 – you may find yourself ditching various environments, patterns/habits, people, even certain personality traits of your own, etc, during this time. It happens slowly, although sometimes some of the realizations can be sudden. You’ll probably come out very different on the other side, and probably for the even-better (!). There’s often a lot of challenge in the interim before that, though. I told my partner when he was going through his to “just roll with the changes, look for the lessons, some shit is actually a blessing in disguise, keep your head down, ears open, mouth shut (usually), and stay cool. Have fun with it if you can. New opportunity, new lease on life. Go.” Lol 😉 I think it worked! 👍🏼. Pulling for you, dude 👍🏼💓🌷

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