When the news broke that I will in all likelihood be relocating to the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex for work I got this lovely message from the bartender who most often serves me at my local hangout:
Needless to say that was a huge wake-up call. I was under the assumption that nobody really gave a fuck about me and it would go largely unnoticed if I committed suicide or some accident occurred that claimed my life. I was totally wrong in my assumption.
I dropped in to said hangout this evening and the outpouring of support from the staff there was almost more than I could handle. I had to choke back tears as I received hugs from the bartender and the owner’s wife, not only as I was greeted upon dropping in, but as I was departing for what might be a considerable amount of time (though I did reassure them the situation wasn’t “goodbye” but rather “until we meet again”). I reassured them I would be back, but even that was almost too much for me. As I got to my car to head home, the tears flowed full-throttle. I couldn’t hold them in anymore.
Sure, I’ll never have a significant other and children. The two are just incompatible with me and my lifestyle. That does not mean, however, that I’m meaningless to everyone. You just never know how much you might mean to someone and you won’t unless those people express that to you. To know that the entire crew at my hangout will miss geeky-glasses, short-shorts clad, strange minded me when I relocate was like “wow, people really DO care.”
I’m at a loss for words, but even through all the pain I might endure and the clinical depression induced dark thoughts that cloud my perception, it’s little stuff like that which just makes it worth it to carry on. I’ve survived five suicide attempts to date (including one as recent as the past 60 days) and little things like this just remind me why I did survive it. I’m not a believer in god or anything of the sort, but I do believe in some transcendental force that connects us all life together.
As I start the next chapter in my life, I’m reminded that no matter how tough things might become, whatever challenges are ahead or whatever put-downs strangers and/or my haters might throw at me, I mean something to someone and I never know just how much I might mean to someone. Though I will always believe in the right to individual sovereignty and ultimately the right to commit suicide, don’t dare question the value you have to someone. I couldn’t do that to my friends at my hangout or any of my other friends.
Though existence is more often than not painful, it’s those moments that make it worth it to carry on. I’m sure the same could be said for all of us, so please express your appreciation and love for someone. You never know what it might mean, and you never know whose life you might save in the process.