There are times when one must make a very difficult and painful decision; a decision which will leave one in often times extreme emotional pain for a long time coming even though it’s really the best thing, for even as blind to emotion as raw logic is, the human soul is not.
Well, that’s exactly the decision I just had to make. It’s been a long time coming but it doesn’t make it any easier. Of course, I am somewhat of a fool for waiting this long to act on what I knew I had to do and as a result I’ve suffered far more for it than if I would have just done it when I knew it had to be done, but even my logical side sometimes is repressed by pure raw delusional emotional Pollyanna bullshit.
I’ve just “broken up” with the one person who probably was, up until a few months ago, my best friend. Of course, the plot thickens a bit in that this isn’t the first time I’ve broken up with this person, for this very person is none other than my most recent ex-girlfriend.
I know, I’m a fucking imbecile for even staying friends with her after our relationship ended. You aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know. Feel free to chew my ass and spit it out in the comments because I fucking deserve it. Alas, I’ve finally wised up and removed one of the biggest stressors in my life, as hard as it is to let go. It’s not that much different from losing a loved one at the outset, even if it is the best thing.
So that’s one major stressor gone, now to tackle another one: my job. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I really, really, REALLY hate my job and everything about it. Cranes are only so exciting, you know? At the end of the day they do nothing besides pick (albeit very heavy) shit up. What’s so exciting about that? Not a lot. Between that and the fact that I make actually less than a first year K-12 teacher in the state of Texas (and I don’t get summers off either) yeah, it should go without saying I dread going to work. It’s to the point it’s really affecting my away-from-work life too. I’ve grown more antisocial, irritable, snitty and angry just all the time. It’s really made me into an incredibly ugly person, and it’s compounded by being stuck because you know bills don’t just stop. No, I can’t just go get another job. It’s not that easy. I suck at interviews and the only jobs I’ve landed (including this one) were jobs for which there were no formal interviews. Any time I’ve had a formal interview I’ve been rejected. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
I really just…don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t. Part of me thinks I’d be better served by being institutionalized. At least I wouldn’t have really any stressors if I was. Of course, I would prefer to be cured (as mentioned before), but there ain’t going to be a cure in my lifetime. Alas, I’ve always said and I always will say if a clinical trial were to come available I would gladly offer myself up as a guinea pig. I don’t give a fuck what the risks are. What’s the worst that could happen? I die? Hah, that wouldn’t be bad at all. At least I’d finally be relieved of my pain and suffering.