When Autism Gets the Better of You…

Well, I really, really, REALLY fucked up last night. Like totally fucked up and it might have just cost me my best friend.

If it is one thing I will say I will go to great lengths to defend my philosophical, political and religious/spiritual positions and often times I get a little hot-headed and worked up about it. I am a good debater in general but man I get angry really quickly over some things and when I do I go into meltdown mode in short order. You’d think I’d know when I’m getting to that level and back down but if it is one of my major flaws I don’t know when to just throw in the towel.

So, despite being best friends (and also exes, lo and behold) we have very different political views. I’m a liberal-leaning Libertarian and she is a traditional Republican and as such it’s easy to say we’ll be voting differently. I was going to support Gary Johnson but at this point I might even vote for Hillary and she is supporting Donald Trump (and to be fair, I probably would also if he didn’t take the classical conservative anti-abortion/gay marriage/etc. stance) and we got into it why I was voting against him and she goes “well I’m excited to vote for Donald Trump” and I snapped back with “you do that, but you can forget me coming to your graduation.” Yeah, not one of my brighter moments and she was understandably offended and taken aback.

The backstory about that, she is much younger than me (8 years and 3 months) and is graduating from university this year and she invited me to her graduation, which I said I would do whatever I could to get off work and go. I will admit when I, without thinking, shot those words out of my mouth (or, more accurately, out of my fingertips) I was in full rage mode and not really thinking clearly. Though I am not the most empathetic person in the world I’m not totally devoid of it, so I realize how hurt she probably was upon hearing (reading) that.

This isn’t the first time my rage has cost me a friendship. It’s happened many times before. There’s a reason I have like no friends and everyone hates my fucking guts. Man does it suck being autistic and man do I wish to see a cure in my lifetime. If there was, perhaps my past wouldn’t be littered with so many ruined friendships.

Is this one salvageable? Well, I have no idea. She hasn’t said anything to me since my angry outburst. I hope so, but either way I have to own up to it and accept the consequences. Maybe I should just give up having friends entirely? I don’t know, but all I know is I’m a defective individual in need of repair or, perhaps even better, to be sent to scrap.

Fuck life. Fuck the world. Fuck everything.

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